Space-Scientologists fear for their lives as intergalactic warlord Suri Cruise wreaks havoc on the world, controlling the minds of the population.
At the ripe age of 2, this Operating Thetan has claimed “deviant behavior” on entertainment’s finest figures, including her own parents, who keep dishing out money to the luxury-goods- loving child in the hopes that they will one day be “clear.”
This extra terrestrial God has warped reality to the extent that rumors of a break-up between Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise seems plausible to the media industry.
“I feel like I have to believe it, but I knew that it just can’t be so,” said Entertainment Weekly journalist, Karen Fleet. “I mean, they are like Adam and Eve-who consequently gave birth to a devil-worshipping child.”
There have also been accounts of Suri stunning people with her cuteness in order to get 2 pieces of candy out of the take one basket, or entrancing performers to continue singing songs or dancing in Mickey Mouse costumes and the like, until the alien child has been adequately entertained.
"I don’t know what to believe anymore," shrieked John Travolta, whose years of Scientology practice helped him get rid of his sinful Saturday Night Fever shake.
In defense of these accusations, Suri had this to say: “Suppressive Person.”
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