3 Not-So-Pristine Women Disqualified from Miss White America Pageant

Baton Rouge-At this past year’s Miss White America pageant in the heart of Louisiana, 3 women were disqualified after judges discovered they were not 100% white.

Wendy Spinkles, 19 of Miami, Florida, was onstage modeling swimwear when one of the judges noticed a difference in skin tone between her upper and lower body.

Spinkles was interrogated backstage where judges concluded she was 30% Indian and kindly asked her to leave the competition site.

“That kind of trickery goes against all pageant rules and is morally wrong,” Judge Judy said shaking her head in shame.

Two other contestants, Michelle Bard and Lauren Simms, were picked up before the formal wear competition, when rumors of their Spanish accents reached the judges.

Currently, officials are re-evaluating application procedures and are preparing to heighten security for future competitions.

"This pageant gives hope of a future for white women, and I don't want to see anyone tear those dreams down," proclaimed pageant president Jane Smith.

Breaking News: U.S. Sen. Dodd Really Close to Making a Decision at the Drive-thru

Washington- The chairman of the U.S. Senate Banking Committee has been sitting in the McDonald’s drive-thru since noon today, vacillating between a Big Mac and Double Cheeseburger, while at the same time considering what his wife might like to drink.

"I’m very close to making a decision,” Democratic Sen. Christopher Dodd of Connecticut stated at 12:47 today. “I’m very, very close."

Sen. Dodd has remained extremely concentrated on this decision amid the cacophony of car horns and expletives from other McDonald’s customers who wish to behoove themselves of the drive-thru.

At 1:10 he added, "There is really maybe one or two issues. Maybe only one that's outstanding here that I need to resolve, before coming to a conclusion.”

Last week, the senator was spotted in the toiletries section of CVS, considering tartar-control versus enhanced whitening toothpaste.

Evangelist Helps Kids Hear Message of Lord with LSD

Nelsonville, MO- Evangelist Anita Drakle of The Church of Jesus Christ began giving LSD to adolescent followers to help kids to hear the message of the lord, following incessant complaints of not hearing anything, sources said Monday.

“I heard Jesusu once, and I even think I saw him the last time I took spiritual mushrooms,” 9-years-old Jake Wermner said while swatting at imaginary bugs in the air. “But he went into a rabbit-hole before I could ask for salvation.”

The church and this practice have come under fire before, when, in 1992, cafeteria food was laced with peyote and the delusional children accused one another of witchcraft, hosting impromptu burnings and crucifixions. No child was harmed “any more than Jesus intended” and the government remained out of the affair, following the Constitution’s First Amendment, which allows for Evangelists to freely exercise their religion.

And after this last psychedelic incident involving 4 church members, an Easy-Bake Oven and an elephant, local law offiicials are looking into ways to stop the mastermind behind this trippy theology.

“Spreading the good news is just too much work for one person, so I tap into Jesus’ natural resources to help me,” Drakle commented. “And when those kids amble the Technicolor country road late at night, they are doing it in the name of the Lord and are under the influence of his all-natural, spiritual powers.”

The interview ended abruptly there, when Drakle began chasing after an imaginary gopher that purportedly stole her contact lens cleaner.

Scientist Dead in Camouflage Gone Wrong

Australia-Dr. Richard P. Pickleworth, head biologist with the Institute of Wasted Knowledge, died Wednesday, after being bit by several funnel-web spiders during his first hour infiltrating the arachnid community.

For this particular mission, Pickleworth blackened his body with tar and attached 8 foamy legs to his sides in the hopes of being accepted by his specimens. Unfortunately for him, the predatory invertebrate animals sensed an interloper, and, without warning, attacked, hindering progress on the research.

“They...discovered my presence...” Pickleworth gasped through the transistor radio as the poison spread throughout his body.

His teams of researchers, stationed just 5 miles north of the John Forrest National Park, were baffled by his quick discovery.

“You couldn’t pick him out of a line up of funnel-web spiders, no way.” IWK intern Arthur Dentine argued. “Pickleworth was the best Spiderman we had.”

IWK began this particular mission in January, hoping to learn more about the bathroom etiquette of various outback species. Funded by the US government and various American Universities, research will continue as scientists prepare to once again disguise themselves in order to mingle with the dingoes.

“Pickleworth would have wanted us to go on without him.” Dentine concluded.

Woman Finds Out of Wedding on Facebook

New York-Victoria Richards, 29, found out about her engagement to Charles Ante through the popular social network site, facebook while on a business trip t Phoenix last week.

While away from home, Richards received several congratulatory phone messages and emails from friends and family members that left her in a state of utter confusion. When she logged onto her Facebook page later that day, she discovered that her boyfriend of 3 years had changed his status to engaged.

“Yes, I was surprised,” Richards said, simply. “But city life is so busy, one tends to forget about these things.”

The couple met 3 years prior on a mutual facebook friend’s thread and have since used the website to communicate basic information to one another.

No date has been set for the big day, but Richards vows to continue checking her facebook page for updates.

John Edwards for President Meetings Still Going Strong

Despite rescinding his presidential candidacy months ago, one John Edwards for President group in Des Moines, Iowa remains strong, meeting weekly in Frank’s local bar and grill.

Group organizer Sean Garst says support for Edwards is stronger than ever, with over 60 weekly attendees crowding the bar Thursday nights to get a taste of the action, or free unlimited buffalo wings for all groups over 20.

“We really think he can make a comeback just like a Soap Opera character that gets killed off the show,” Garst said, folding up a wad of $20 bills and tucking them neatly in his back pocket.

With flyers and posters advocating the democrat and his vision for America, Garst believes his group is just the support Edwards needs.

“At the last meeting we discussed the similarities between Radiohead and Taking Back Sunday, two alternative rock groups with equal sound quality,” said support group frequenter Ramey Charles.

On the topic of John Edwards, Ramey said, “Who’s he?”

MIT Study Proves Wonder Woman Never Had Invisible Plane

After months of episode analysis and matter testing, a research study out of MIT evidenced that Wonder Woman never had an invisible plane, as claimed in the 1970’s American television series, Wonder Woman.

The government-funded study headed by MIT professor Caitlin Silkes, scrutinized every Wonder Woman episode to find answers to the invisible plane. In the end, researchers were baffled to learn that no such plane ever existed and a low-budget production company had fooled audience members.

“I was in shock,” commented Silkes. “If we can’t trust TV shows and actors than who?”

The news has left lifetime viewers across the country devastated and suspicious of other TV favorites.

“Television was a teacher, a friend and a lover to me,” Researcher Jeff Dungalill commented. “Now, I feel like there isn’t even hope for the future.”

God Stepping Down From Position as Supreme Being

Heaven-In a deep, earth-shattering voice yesterday, God announced his resignation from position as Supreme Being, for the entire world to hear.

In a recent statement via prayer waves, God confessed that the world had become as boring as a reality TV show and agreed that popular culture was doing a better job of effectively controlling the minds of the population than belief of Him ever did.

“Sometimes my creations turn out to be mistakes,” He stated, simply.

Most evangelists embraced the news as a symbol of modern times, while church administrators and government officials took another, more realistic position.

“Well, if this God guy thinks he can just waltz down to earth with no money and no job, he’s got another thing coming,” Warren Dak of the IRS said. “I don’t think we can give him any social security benefits due to his lack of presence on any official record.”

To date, God has given no hint to His future endeavors, while hopefuls, including ice cream truck driver Steve Adams and hair stylist Sylvie Stern, line up to fill His post.