Man Dies After Refusing to Engage in Somewhat Homosexual Act

Paris-Last Monday, 34 year old Philippe Mandeau died when he fell off the back of a motorcycle after refusing to grab hold of the driver’s waist, claiming the act was “too homosexual.”

Just as the motorcycle circled the arc de triomphe at 30kmph, driver Guillaume Borisot suggested Mandeau grab hold of his waist to ensure safety around the sharp turn. When the passenger refused, opting to cling to the metal bar on the back of the seat, Borisot carried on, weaving in and out of traffic.

As Borisot picked up speed, Mandeau slid off the bike and into oncoming traffic.

“We were best friends since childhood, and he always had this fear that people would think of him as gay.”

Borisot, who attests to his own heterosexuality, says none of this would have happened if homosexual stereotypes were not so prevalent in society.

“It’s a shame that the world stereotypes a man’s behavior like that.” Borisot said, glancing at a stack of Flava Men magazines on his coffee table. “If they didn’t, my friend wouldn’t be dead.”

In honor of Philippe Mandeau, Borisot has started a fund for the Mental Rehabilitation of Clearly Un-gay Men. The fund will collect money for heterosexual men who need to purchase “manly” items such as hammers, footballs, and Die Hard DVD’s to justify their sexuality devoid of mental calamity.

Borisot added: “The MRCUM is a place not only to justify who you are, but an understanding environment where everyone can share feelings and sem—see movies.”

New Airline Regulations to include Handcuffing Passengers

Major airlines including Continental, American and Southwest, will soon be handcuffing passengers to avoid any in-flight disruptions or potential harm to crew members, a safety measure that experts say will make for safer, more enjoyable plane travel.

Steel-n-Girder Metal Corporation has already started manufacturing the cotton-padded handcuffs, which will be conveniently located in every back seat pocket for passengers to apply, and flight attendants to securely lock just before take-off.

“We decorate these same handcuffs with pink feathers and sell them to sex toy shops,” said
Steel-n-Girder CEO Thomas Chodak. “And we’ve received a pretty good response as to their effectiveness.”

To further acclimatize this new safety measure, adjustments will also be made to the food and lavatories in airplanes. Snack favorite Little Debbie has already started producing a line of sip-up meals including steak and potatoes and fish and chips, while medical companies are working on disposable catheters.

“We have to be willing to do whatever it takes to keep our skis safe,” flight attendant Patricia Gottlieb commented.

Although critics feel human liberties are being threatened at a price they don’t want to pay anyway, the consensus is that if it makes us safer—and ‘thwarts terrorists,’ as President Bush added in a recent, speech on the matter—then we should do it.

George Bush Plans Career Writing Pop-Up Books

Washington — President Bush said Thursday that he will begin a career writing pop-up books as soon as his presidential term is up later this year.

The statement, made during a White House news conference about a new presidential library in Dallas, was the first time Mr. Bush had talked in any detail about his personal goals for the future.

“I want to bring understanding of nuclear weapons and terrorists to the future of America with three-dimensional scenes in easy-to-read books,” he said.

White House officials say Mr. Bush’s career has been developing during his presidency, with the paper airplanes he so often creates during conferences, and folded pieces of paper found around his office.

“When I handed Bush the 2008 budget, he made a beautiful origami swan out of it.” says Vice President Dick Cheney. “And these past 8 years have given him time to improve his papier-mâché skills.”

The president plans to dedicate a special wing for his books in the new library, which will be at Southern Methodist University, the alma mater of First Lady and librarian, Laura Bush.

iPhone Escapes Burning Building Unharmed

Los Angeles-An iPhone was thrown from the fourth floor of a burning building at 118 W. Sever St. yesterday, and fell safely into the arms of firefighter B.J. Edfung below.

Trapped by smoke, and unable to hear the deafening fire alarm in time to make it down the staircase, tenant Josh Sparks says he took his headphones off to think about how he was going to save himself and the electronic device.

“I knew my iPhone was going to get severely damaged if I kept it on my persons, so I said a prayer and defenestrated it.” Sparks said from his hospital bed.

The crowd gathered below saw the tiny silver device plummeting to the ground and reached up screaming, Save it! Save it!

“It was hard to stay focused on what was important because there was a lot of smoke and other people jumping out of windows,” eyewitness Ted Banks said.

After throwing the iPhone down to safety, Sparks jumped out of the same window, missing the preoccupied crowd by mere inches and landing facedown on the cement.

Sparks and his iPhone are resting in a rehabilitation center for the severely injured, where friends and family members come to gaze at the miraculously recovered iPhone.

“That thing cost me over $400.00,” Sparks mother said. “He would have wished he was dead if anything happened to it.”

At the moment, Sparks remains confident he will get out of the hospital, fully recovered and ready to find a new home, since his last smoldered to unrecognizable ash.

“We were all just so happy that the iPhone was okay, we didn’t have time to think about anything else.” firefighter Edfung concluded.

Waterboarding Park Vacation

National-With the recent controversies against the use of waterboarding, America’s torture industry profits are on the decline, prompting the newest spring break getaway in Waterboarding Parking, where college students can go to get a high on near-death experiences.

CIA members who recently resigned from their post have banded together to form the lucrative vacation spot, on a tiny independent island located just off the coast of California.

“We wanted to find the most secluded place we could,” Waterboarding Park Manager William Ranke said. “And most people wouldn’t understand if we did this out in the open for all to see.”

Waterboarding is a form of torture that consists of restraining a person on his or her stomach, with the head downward, and pouring water into the breathing passages, to force suffocation and inhalation of water. Through this, the subject experiences the process of drowning in a controlled environment and is made to believe that death is imminent.

“Dude, if they’re not going to legalize pot, then we need something cool to do on vacation,” says Duke University student, Kirk Fine.

Although waterboarding can be performed in ways that leave no lasting physical damage, it carries the risks of extreme pain, damage to the lungs, brain, and bones due to struggling against restraints. And the psychological effects can last for years after the procedure.

When questioned about possible damaging effects from a waterboarding vacation, Ranke remarked: “It'll be a vacation people will never forget.”

Learn How To Be President by Podcast

In a recent speech marking his progress on the road to the White House, Senator Obama thanked his family, supporters, and most importantly, his ipod, for enhancing his campaign with Learn How To Be President by Podcast.

“I was uploading some Metallica and I caught a glimpse of this podcast,” said Obama, ipod emblematically hanging around his neck. “LHBP-we call it for short.”

Learn How to Be President by Podcast is a 10-part course authored by late Secretary of State and 3-time Democratic Party nominee, William Jennings Bryan. The course encompasses basic strategic steps to run a good campaign, and includes speech templates based on the American Populist’s famous “Cross of Gold” speech.

Obama says the guidance from LHBP has enabled him to fire most of his campaign staff and spend the extra money on beach balls and those big styrofoam hands for participants to use at rallies.

“These rallies are fun, energetic, and totally for the younger crowd,” said Obama roadie, Mike Dumkill. “McCain’s too old for this kind of stuff, and if you think about it, he will probably be dead before any of his programs are put into place.”

But while Democrats are having their fun, Conservatives are using the opportunity to emphasize their contempt for Obama and really hit their political stance home.

“You can’t learn how to be president from a book. You have to fight in a war to show that you can run a country,” Republican candidate John McCain said during a recent interview. “What the hell is a podcast anyway? Sounds like something out of Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.”

To which Obama countered: “McCain can really use Learn How to Tell a Joke by Podcast.”

Man Has Realization After Watching 1998 Film, What Dreams May Come

Medford, OR-Ralph Forticoe realized that sharing precious moments with family and friends only leads to despair and death after watching the 1998 drama What Dreams May Come.

The movie, about a happy family of four whose life takes a turn for the worse when the children and father die after saying cinematic goodbyes, showed Forticoe the err of his ways. The Lakewood County father of 12-year old twins Sarah and Michelle has been sharing hallmark moments with his family for years without realizing how potentially destructive his actions were.

“When the van pulled out of the driveway in slow-motion, that was a BIG sign that death was nearing,” Forticoe said hitting the replay button to watch the pivotal scene one more time. “And now it is my responsibility to make sure that same thing doesn’t happen to my kids.”

Fornicoe’s efforts include blatantly ignoring his children’s cries for help and always escaping the residence before his wife or children get a chance to wrap their loving arms around his neck and say those three poisonous words, I love you.

Forticoe’s wife, Darlene, says she couldn’t understand her husband’s ways until the day he drove her to the hospital for brain surgery. “I leaned in to kiss Ralph goodbye and tell him how scared I was and he just turned away and gave me a little shove out of the car,” Darlene said, feeding herself from a hospital bed. “I was angry at first, but when I awoke from surgery alive and well, I knew he did it to show he cares.”

Despite his efforts to ensure he does not tragically lose his wife and kids as happened in the film, Fornicoe’s daughters, Sarah and Michelle, are taking their father’s indifference personally.

“Daddy hates me because I’m fat,” Sarah Fornicoe said, licking powdered sugar off a donut. Her sister, who stood by Sarah’s side, nodded in agreement, just like those—thinner—iconic Olsen twins.

Mr. Fornicoe denies his daughter’s accusation saying there is nothing he can do. “As soon as I get close to my girls, they’ll be dead.”

Making-up Moscow

Efforts to beautify Russian women backfire after citizens grow leery of Avon saleswomen knocking on their doors.

Fifty-two year old, Ana Skavorsky was washing potatoes when there came a knock at the door. There, a woman wearing a double-breasted suit similar to communist uniforms, presented the resident with a satin briefcase full of cosmetics.

Skavorsky claims the Avon saleswoman—the first person to knock on her front door in 25 years—talked incessantly about makeup products and kept opening up bottles of lipstick to test the color against her skin.

“I know there was poison on the lipstick, but she maneuvered so quickly, I didn’t know what to do.” Skavorsky said.

Before Skavorsky could call for help, her fear reached a state of panic and she fainted in the doorway.

When the tenant regained consciousness a few minutes later, the saleswoman was gone.

“There was something about her smile,” Skarvosky said dabbing her forehead with a hankerchief. “Now, all I can see is that smile.”

Avon saleswomen appeared at 30 other front doors in the neighborhood that day to commence what the company’s Russian correspondent Ivanka Welterhadt calls “The Birth of Beauty,” in a city where most women are pale and thin from sunless winters and diets of bread and cheese.

But depite these efforts to pep up the population, most residents see the new practice as nothing more than a government conspiracy, and fear is rivetting the suburbs of Moscow where these Avon saleswomen are being bred.

Resident Igor Zhirinovski lives near the Avon factory and sees the women marching down the street early in the morning.

“It starts with makeup, then the next thing you know, you wake up in a body bag.” Zhirinovski said quickly locking his front door.

But Welterhadt remains optomistic about the company’s success and hopes residents’ fears will die down before the residents do.

Jellyfish Compensate for Condiment Problem

Science-As the bee population continues to disappear, diminishing the world’s honey supply, jellyfish are balancing out the condiment crisis by leaving jarred jams in strawberry, grape and apricot flavors on shores along America’s East Coast.

Local officials have been getting calls from baffled Cape Cod, Miami, and East Hampton beachgoers who are stumbling on these jars in the sand.

“I was, like, practicing my Hasselhoff run and, like, I tripped on this thing,” said surfer Troy Shrankle. “I look down and whoa, it’s a jar of stuff.”

Although most jam-finders are giving the unlabeled jars to local laboratories for testing, Shankles reportedly opened the container and without hesitation began consuming the contents.

“It was, like, a pretty cool color, so I, like, had to eat it, you know?

The scientific community is coming together to try and explain this phenomenon with animal analysts discussing the bitterness between honey and jam, historians and etymologists hoping to find an answer in the species name, and evolutionists looking for superior traits in the fruity spread.

“Natural selection obviously plays a factor in this.” Dr. Reinernoos, a professor and evolutionist at Harvard University concluded. “It’s in the facts: recent taste tests show that people like jelly more than honey.”

Honeybees started disappearing from America in 2006 and most analysts are puzzled as to their new home. Market Research Companies speculate that honeybees left the American honey business because of a stream of low profits, and are retiring in quiet islands near the West Indies.

Regardless, marketing representatives with Kraft see a promising future with jellyfish, and expect better work relations between the species.

“I just hope these jelly fish take full responsibility for their product and label those jars. We did enough work for those damn bees and look where we are today.”